Dear John
I like to keep things based in reality. My responses are [in square brackets and bolded]
And now I’m done.
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Dear Jane: I am sorry, I forgive you, please forgive me?
By Shoq, on August 30, 2012, at 8:53 pm
A mistake is always forgivable, rarely excusable and always unacceptable. Robert Fripp
[It's not a mistake, nor are you really sorry, if you keep doing the same thing over and over - and justifying it.]
Dear Jane*,
You shared our lives in public. [I shared your behavior in public, not your life.] I don’t know why you chose to do that, and it saddens me beyond words that you felt you had to. Especially since you yourself had always had such contempt for people who would do that. But I loved you once, and I still have much love and respect for you now. I can forgive you for doing that to you and to us. I hope can forgive me for my inexcusable tone and words in that final voice mail. [The voicemail I shared was from January 25, 2012. It wasn’t your final voicemail to me.] It was loud, intense, and used words I deeply regret. I am so sorry for them, and I wish I could take them back, but I can’t. I was furious. No, that’s wrong. I was totally and completely hurt and angry at you for taking our private matters into a public venue like Twitter as you had. [The voicemail was unrelated to my blog post on August 29, 2012. It was left over 7 months prior.] And I was also quite drunk. [Two things: 1) Being drunk is no excuse. 2) No, you weren’t. The voicemail was left at 8:44PM.] After repeatedly asking you to explain what had suddenly angered you, knowing my countless enemies are always trying to game us and destroy me, I got no responses at all. Nothing. We’d sent emails back and forth that day, and suddenly, out of nowhere, you yelled in ALL CAPS that I was a liar and should never contact you again. To this day, I still don’t know what happened. How can I? You won’t tell me, and your friends won’t tell me. I remain in the dark as of this very writing. There is no greater pain than seeing such a long and mostly endearing relationship reduced to this rubble of riddles with no explanation or resolution.
But I finally did stop trying to reach out for an answer, as you asked. I gave up entirely. [No, you didn’t. You continued to reach out to others.] But a few days later, I came home from a party to see you and your friends gleefully tweeting smears, distortions and innuendo about me/us into your twitter stream, even engaging old enemies to help you do it. [I don’t have enemies. This isn’t a war.] I was so disgusted, so outraged, and so hurt that I dashed off some emails to express my disgust to you. I reminded you of how worried you often were that our [No. *Your* enemies.] enemies would track you down by making yourself this visible. I should have stopped there. Instead, after a friend of yours I’d contacted to clarify what was happening shut me off abruptly, I Skyped you and let you know just how I was feeling in extremely bitter and angry tones that no one should have to hear. [No. The voicemail you left at this time (August 11, 2012) was actually quite calm, though you did comment that you “felt” like I was setting you up – which is untrue.] Again, I am very, very sorry for my choice of words, and that tone. There was no excuse for my channeling my anger in that way, other than that I am human and make mistakes. But you know that about me, as I know it about you. [Our “mistakes” are not the same.]
I still don’t know what set you off, and you seem to feel no obligation to tell me. Did you feel you would get some kind of satisfaction by putting our lives on display before our twitter feeds, our families, our friends, and our co-workers? [There is no satisfaction to be had.] You did that before my voice message. [False. Again, that voicemail was left on January 25, 2012. It is completely unrelated.] And you’re now still doing it long after. But none of that excuses my message at all. [No, it doesn’t. And that’s always been my point to you about the way you engaged me when you were upset.] But neither does my message excuse humiliating us in public for no rational reason that I, nor anyone else can understand. [Considering your voicemail happened 7 months before my blog post, this is irrelevant.] Still, I will not retaliate for that. That is a promise. I will not share details of your life, just to “get even.” [I have not shared details of your life. I have shared my experience with your behavior.] There is nothing to be gained but more pain, and I care about you too much to hurt you more than you already are.
I hope our friends will see this as an intense exchange between intense people that spun out of control, largely thanks to unfortunate circumstances, my appalling reaction to them, the silliness of Twitter at times, the unrelenting nature of enemies and trolls, and the volatile and unpredictable nature of emotions. Especially in an information vacuum whenever love is involved. [This “intense exchange” happened because of your actions and behavior. No other reason. I want you to stop harassing me, my friends, and our mutual friends. You’re making people uncomfortable. Nobody has permission to speak on my behalf about the decisions I made. Period. I want you to stop making reference to the potential for your enemies to contact my place of work. It’s intentional fear mongering, and it’s inappropriate. I have nothing to do with your political activities, and you know it.]
I wish the angry exchanges had never happened. I wish we could be back in another time and place together. I wish you well. I hope someday we can find mutual forgiveness for our failings and our failures and be friends again. If you want to call me and discuss it, I assure you it will be civil. Perhaps then we can all move on from this grim chapter of our lives. [“The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” I’m sorry, but I no longer recognize you.]
*The name is fictitious to protect your identity.