Intimidate this, Bitch.

***Note: Despite what has been implied elsewhere, I NEVER claimed physical/domestic abuse by the person discussed in this post. Never. I noted quite clearly in an update I posted on 9/3/2012, that I have never been in the same room with this person. I am thankful that I have never been in the same room as this person, and my heart goes out to victims of domestic violence. I am disgusted – but not at all surprised – by his deliberate distortions and lies. Thank you.***

 

It’s incredible how quickly you can lose perspective when you have the wrong person in your ear. I’ve had the wrong person in my ear for about a year and a half…and I completely lost perspective.

The short version of this story is that I fell in love with someone who is incredibly charming, witty, and politically savvy. I adored him. I believed in him. I defended him. I shouldn’t have.

What I learned over time is that I was in love with someone who is manipulative, conniving, self-centered, and downright abusive. I was in love with someone who feels entitled to say and do whatever he deems necessary if someone leaves him feeling hurt or maligned in some way. I was in love with someone who believes that screaming at a person until they experience a panic attack is justifiable because he doesn’t feel like he’s being heard. I was in love with someone whose reaction to a 3rd party contacting him on my behalf in order to give me some time to recover from a panic-induced asthma attack was to tell me it was the first time in over a year he felt that I showed I cared about him. I was in love with someone who frequently called me a monster. I was in love with someone who repeatedly called me abusive, controlling, clinical, and lacking empathy. I was in love with someone who made me believe I was all of those things. I was in love with someone who made me afraid to interact with people at all, because I was so convinced that I was completely dysfunctional and therefore incapable of maintaining relationships.

People who know me are likely wondering why I’m posting this. Personal shit should be personal. I agree…under normal circumstances. These circumstances are anything but normal.

I finally cut off all contact with this person in early August. It was difficult. It’s still difficult. In spite of everything, I feel like I have lost a limb. I still miss who I thought he was. It’s stupid, I know…but it’s true.

Since cutting off contact, this person has made several attempts to learn why I told him not to contact me again. He has tried contacting me, he has been in contact with my friends, with mutual friends, and god only knows who else. This person has attempted to manipulate people by making them believe he has evidence that they know more than they do. This person has blamed the decline of our relationship on everything from the influence of my friends, to a rightwing operative targeting him because of his politics. This person has never – and likely will never – consider his own actions as the reason I finally cut off communication.

What has me most disturbed is this person has made reference to my career being in jeopardy if the same rightwing operative finds out where I work. I have no reason to believe this rightwing operative is after me. In fact, when the operative recently started to tweet one of my more spectacular emotional meltdowns on Twitter, I politely asked that he stop as I have no connection to his efforts, and he immediately did so.

So this makes me wonder if the point of planting this seed of concern about my career being in jeopardy was actually to create plausible deniability if the star of this post wanted to be vengeful.

Let me make this clear: I will do what I have to do in order to protect myself, my friends, and my career. I will not be intimidated. I will not let this person intimidate people I care about. I will not let this person make thinly veiled threats. I have the right to break up with someone, and I have the right to emote about it if I wish.

I have alerted my place of work about this situation, and they have been incredibly supportive. If needed, I will get a restraining order. I certainly have what I need to do so.

Consider this my only warning.

Listen to the voicemail audio

“You did that on purpose, and don’t pretend you didn’t. Yes, an intolerant cunt. You don’t like it? Too fucking bad. You did that on purpose. I even gave you signals that you did it to me, and you did it anyway, because you’ve decided to be a passive aggressive bitch with me for over a month. Admit it! Stop making it my fault! Stop drumming me up, and…stop driving me to this level of anger and pretending that you’re not aware that you do it. You know that you’re aware that you do it.”

Note: The voicemail above was recorded January 25, 2012 at 8:44PM. Which makes this completely bizarre…and completely false.

 

**8/31/2012 Update** I like to keep things based in reality.

**9/2/2012 Update** A friend reminded me about this page (screenshot) that was posted by an alleged ex-girlfriend of the person I’m referring to in this post. It sickens me to read it again now. The page was taken down shortly after it appeared, as the woman was allegedly threatened by the subject of the page. The full text can be seen here.

**9/3/2012 Update** The subject of this post decided to update his blog. As I have previously stated, I like to keep things based in reality.

**9/3/2012 Update** I would never want to be accused of not providing the “full context” – so here’s the rest of the bullshit from that same night and the following day. From start to finish. In his words. So that should provide his context and version of reality, right? Right.

“You did that on purpose, and don’t pretend you didn’t. Yes, an intolerant cunt. You don’t like it? Too fucking bad. You did that on purpose. I even gave you signals that you did it to me, and you did it anyway, because you’ve decided to be a passive aggressive bitch with me for over a month. Admit it! Stop making it my fault! Stop drumming me up, and…stop driving me to this level of anger and pretending that you’re not aware that you do it. You know that you’re aware that you do it.”
January 25, 2012 – 8:44PM [Listen to the audio]

“Jessica, what galls me is that you knew you were being passive aggressive to me, you knew I’d call you on it, and I tried to move on and then all you did was use the next thing. You used the excuse with my mother to jump on me again. How am I supposed to react to that? You know it was just as cunty as I said it was. And if you’re not admitting it, you’re just in denial. Grow up!”
January 25, 2012 – 8:54PM [Listen to the audio]

“I’m slowly getting over my anger, Jessica, but I wish you could understand how unsupportive it feels. You know, sometimes people in partnerships just need to have a bad day, to just vent…and to have it called ‘whining’, to get this attitude back like you’re the lowest of the low, because you’re simply needing to vent your partner for a few minutes…to get that attitude back is just so hurtful. And I tried to tell you that before, and this time I sat quietly thinking that you would get it. And maybe you’d say ‘Okay, maybe I was a little harsh about Robbie,’ but you didn’t. And instead, you just came at me over a fucking computer. I said talking about my mother’s computer, I asked you a simple question about Windows, and you just bit my head off. Could you put the shoe on the other foot and ask yourself how that would feel, if I did that to you? I guarantee you, if I asked any woman you know, they’d all say the same thing: “Fuck you.” Just what I said to you. Because that’s how hurtful it was. And I don’t think you meant to do that, but it still was hurtful. And I tried to hint that it was hurtful, and you need to either admit that you want to push us to break up, or apologize.”
January 25, 2012 – 9:41PM [Listen to the audio]

“Well, I don’t mean apologize…I just mean understand. I don’t need the apology, I never have needed that. I do need you to be understanding of the fact that all I was looking for was a little bit of support. And I wasn’t even looking for it. I guess I was just expecting it, like you’d expect it from me. It’s not unusual to have people be stressed over something that you don’t approve of, or you don’t think is worthwhile being stressed about. Too bad! Like, I don’t make judgments about what you go through all day. I don’t! I sit there, and I grin, and I bear it. And I don’t punish you for it later. You do punish me. And you need to admit that you do that. And whether you ever admit it to me, or your next boyfriend, or whatever, you do that. You do do that. You save it up, and you lash out, and you almost savor the punishment. And it really hurts, it cuts like a fucking knife. And I’m sorry if I called you an ‘intolerant cunt,’ but I’m sorry, you use that word all the time. I think the ‘intolerant’ cuts you more than the ‘cunt,’ but we can talk about it if you would admit that you were a bitch to me! I still love you, Jessica, but I don’t have to just sit there and be beaten up because you want to. It’s not fair to me! No matter what I did, it was not that wrong. I was frustrated by somebody that had yanked my chain for seven months. You could have just sat there, and listened nicely. And said ‘that’s really a shame, I understand why it’s stressful,’ and we would have moved on. Instead, you used it to beat me up. And it’s not fair.”
January 25, 2012 – 9:43PM [Listen to the audio]

“Sorry, I can’t even talk about it without getting angry. I guess it’s all my fault. Okay. I’m also calling you, as usual.”
January 25, 2012 – 9:44PM [Listen to the audio] 

“The part that hurts me the most, Jessica, is that you don’t seem to even know that you hurt me. You don’t seem to care. And that’s what hurts the most.”
January 25, 2012 – 10:30PM [Listen to the audio] 

“Jessica, are you going to make any effort to talk to me at all? Or just leave me thinking that you just pushed me to this so you could walk away clean? Do you have any idea how much that hurts?”
January 26, 2012 – 9:44PM [Listen to the audio] 

56 Responses to “Intimidate this, Bitch.”

  1. cn8of10 Says:

    This person, whomever he is, is weak and emotionally unstable. The demonstrated and self-admitted anger management issues that he does not hold himself accountable for suggest that you need to be fully prepared to protect your self, not only from the verbal abuse, but from physical harm. Angry people don’t think very clearly..

    Concerned

  2. sherifffruitfly Says:

    :( hope things look up for you soon.

  3. liberalandold Says:

    you deserve better.

  4. eclecticbrotha Says:

    Do what’s best for you. Damn what anybody else says.

  5. Anne Says:

    Congratulations on extracting that toxin from your life.

  6. Jeni Says:

    *huge hugs*

    I feel like rolling out the “You are an amazing person” lines, but you already know this. I know this, because this person (I have my suspicions) is no longer in that “person I’m in love with” position.
    And, you know what? Eventually, this will die down. Until then, know that we’ve got your goddamn back.

  7. Anibundel Says:

    You were dating my ex husband?

    Run, do not walk, to your lawyer. Get That Restraining Order.

    know that you are NOT over reacting by doing so. You are protecting yourself.

  8. BeeEssBee Says:

    Ugh, what a nightmare. Wishing you the best!

  9. megtee Says:

    Stay strong. Stay safe.

  10. QueenofSix Says:

    Be safe, lovely. <3

  11. E. Joyce Says:

    A psychopathic, psychological abuser who clearly is extremely insecure. Glad for you that you knew how to walk away. Now get a restraining order that includes all contact sources, including contacting your friends.
    And read through here for next time — parts I and II, heck, maybe all of them: http://www.examiner.com/article/how-to-spot-an-abuser-part-i-profile-of-the-socio-predator

  12. Some Guy Says:

    Dude sounds like a big bag of tiny dicks.

    Get the order and feel better about extricating yourself from the maelstrom.

  13. Dvdny Says:

    Good for you. I know it was hard, but for the sake of sanity, sometimes one needs to cut contact with a poisonous person, no matter how close they are to that person for us, it was parents). Soon, you’ll be appreciating that you’re in a better place and you can move on. Hang in there.

  14. Jerzygirl45 Says:

    Wow. Just listening to that was scary. I can’t even imagine being subjected to that much rage and abuse in person. Thank goodness you’ve taken yourself out of his orbit and have taken steps to protect yourself. He’s an insecure coward who needs to make others feel inferior just to make himself feel like he’s worth anything, when he actually isn’t.

    I wish you nothing but the best. Be safe

  15. Kate Says:

    Stand strong. It’s not too soon for a restraining order. Take care. We have your back.

  16. ZoeyGirlz Says:

    Jessica, get that restraining order pronto. He is an arrogant, narcissistic, paranoid man who lives in his Mom’s basement. He has a toxic hatred of those that are not sycophants. I am sorry to hear you are going thru this. It must really hurt to have loyalty returned with such debasing treatment. Here if you need me, Gurrrl.

  17. vdaze Says:

    Thank you, Zoey. Though I would like to state that he does not live in his mother’s basement.

  18. ZoeyGirlz Says:

    Psychologically, he does…

  19. My1BlueEye Says:

    Christ on a bike Jess! sweet baby jeebus and all of that shit. Sorry you’re going through this. And anyone that tries to blame their anger on you hasn’t the emotional maturity of a tree frog. Having been through this nearly identical situation, I feel for you. But you know that. You also know that I’m here for you if you ever need to talk. Or just vent. My particular sociopath waited … and waited … and then after another full year, crawled out of the woodwork yet again. So get that RO. Take care of yourself, because you are amazing and deserve to be happy.

    Oh, and fuck ‘em. Also and such.

  20. Gen. JC Christian, patriot Says:

    He sounds crazy and abusive. Please get a restraining order.

    His voice is just what I’d expect it to be. Reeks of prissy arrogance and entitlement.

  21. Francie57 Says:

    Good riddance to bad rubbish! Take care of yourself, no one has right to abuse you. The very saddest thing is that it happened by someone who cared about you. He needs some serious, professional help.

  22. Wilkster2 Says:

    I’m so sorry to read that this happened to you. Be strong and keep yourself safe. We care about you!

  23. fgs Says:

    ohhhhh…your’ so scary. LMAO

  24. Violet W Says:

    I am astonished that all the comments in here appear to support YOU in your rantings against some other unknown person… that NONE of the commentors personally KNOW. To me, you sound like a whiny little child who is EXTREMELY passive-aggressive. Who knows how this person did or did not treat you, but based on what you wrote, I have this to say: GROW UP. EVERYONE PLAYS THE FOOL SOOOOMETIME (as the song goes), but LIFE IS DEFINITELY SHORTER THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE AT 20 OR 30… if your relationship with this person is over, it’s just over. Threats from that person, or you repeating threats are just stupid. Going to your company and getting them involved in the histrionics is also stupid. They are not going to ‘protect’ you. They have a business to run and if you keep bringing your ‘he said/they said/i’m a victim’ routine to them they will eventually find a way to get rid of you. AND if you think somehow it was the guy who supposedly ‘threatened’ to cost you your job, you’d be WRONG. No one is going to take your job from you based on a ‘good ol boy request’, particularly since you sound like you have a junior role anyway (because you don’t sound very SMART or EDUCATED). Frankly, if you came to me (I own several businesses) I would tell you to leave your personal problems at home, and if you could not, I’d get you out of the company, ‘by the book and legally’. I am in business to make a profit and to keep all my employees working and satisfied… that means weeding out the bad seeds. People who can’t keep their personal problems at home, are O U T: out. (Of course first you’d have access to the health benefits, incl. counselling, that I pay for, but if you kept on disrupting people at work, eventually you’d be gone. THE BASIC FACT ABOUT LIFE IS THAT IT IS DIFFICULT FOR EVERYONE. If you aren’t adult enough to break up with someone in a MATURE way, then do the world a favor and do not date.

  25. Kendall Says:

    Thank-you for sharing your story. I know the feelings (fear, embarassment, shame). Abusers count on those feelings to control My ex could have been on the other end of that line. You are much stronger than you think. Good luck, it does get better!

  26. vdaze Says:

    Wow.

  27. M3RL1N Says:

    Shoq is shit.

  28. a little girl Says:

    If he violates the restraining order, i will beat him up for you

  29. w3bgrrl Says:

    Nice sockpuppet, Violet. Ya freak.

  30. 21law Says:

    At first I didn’t understand your choice to post this, but think I do now.

    I hope you heal your emotional wounds swiftly and have only happiness henceforth.

    Best wishes to you.

  31. vdaze Says:

    No, I don’t condone violence.

  32. Spectricise Says:

    Sucks.

  33. MeL Says:

    I forgive you – even ABL a little, but not nearly as much – for coming after me when you thought I was going after him. I wasn’t, but I had my suspicions about him. This is not an “I told you so”. I’m being serious.

  34. drydoc Says:

    One of the most important things to remember is that behaviour like this has nothing to do with you. I’m not saying this to be nice. It’s reality. His actions, responses and behaviour above are clearly all about himself and his stunted coping mechanisms, not about you or something you did. This is simply how he copes. This plays out all the time. Your mistake was that you got sucked in to the point that kept you there. You’re not alone.

    It took guts to write this, and you deserve a ton of credit. Don’t doubt yourself or your feelings. From reading the passage above, it’s clear there’s nothing a person in your position could have done to improve this unbalanced disaster of a relationship. Ultimately, it would have happened to anyone who behaved in almost any manner within a relationship with that person because that’s his coping pattern and it’s already been written in stone. All those insults aimed at you weren’t about you at all. They were about how he copes with trying to manage uncomfortable feelings, including not getting his way.

  35. Bob Fish Says:

    Violet W must be Shoq. “She” wrote things exactly as Shoq would.

  36. Jennyjinx Says:

    So, Violet, where’s your proof that none of the commenters know him personally? How would you possibly know that, unless you know him yourself. What are these mysterious companies?

    It’s apparent from your own post that you lack common sense, decency and the education you claim vdaze lacks. I’d be very interested to see which one of “several companies” you actually own. If you actually are a successful business owner you forgot the one of the first rules: Shut up when you have nothing useful to say.

  37. td Says:

    Wow. Just wow. Can’t get a rise out of you any other way, there’s a shrinking violet sock puppet available I guess. Read about narcissism. It can’t be fixed. It goes back to 2-5 yrs old, and there’s a bottomless pit that can never ever be filled with enough praise, admiration, or support when the N is “needy”. They will get their supply either by showing you off (with things that aren’t real or are exaggerated), or by demeaning or degrading you, whatever gets them the most attention. You can manipulate them if you’re clever enough, but that’s a last resort to make day to day life manageable. They have no empathy. That’s a hard concept to understand for anyone with a human heart that works two ways. Your employer should be glad for the warning about potential problems and appreciate that you have taken every step possible to prevent those problems.

  38. Fripso Says:

    I’m glad you finally saw the light………….and yes get that restraining order. And companies do care about their employees who are being harassed. Even Walmart takes such things seriously, and takes steps to protect employees from abusers. And that I know for a fact!

  39. Cody_K Says:

    Never heard him use the C-word, before. I can’t stand that. The rest is worst. But to know he’s classless too is like the cherry on top.

    And yeah. Get a restraining order.
    Men who hate women don’t stop being abusive until they’re made to stop.

  40. Wazza Says:

    Good luck. Violet sounds like the same person as on the Voicemails. Which BTW are sickening. No excuse can ever make that OK. I agree w everyone else that you were right to come forward, tell you work, and get a restraining order and its true, these type of guys dont usually stop til they are made to.

    PS so many of these same people who comment her him now were defending him back when you were. I bet most of them did it for you, not him.

  41. drydoc Says:

    He thinks he’s the one who was victimized. His most recent comments today, aimed at damage control, will backfire all over him, and he won’t understand why. Either that, or he’s supposed to get a cookie because they were never in the same room together, which proves there was never, ever physical violence. (How low does this bar have to be?)

    It’s not healthy to want to live with a man who thinks and acts like this, and it looks like the more she was exposed to it, the less she wanted to be with him. How does that not make sense?

  42. drydoc Says:

    By the way, if you feel like you’re walking on eggshells in any relationship, that’s your sign to leave.

  43. Some Guy Says:

    Gotta cosign drydoc there. On both.

    But I’d add the caveat that men can be the emotionally abused party, as well. Not to remove from the gravity of your experiences, but it’s certainly possible.

  44. drydoc Says:

    Fwiw, the only abuse I was aware of was the voice mail transcript, and that was enough.

    Also, a PS… Anyone looks like, at best, even more of an unrepentant piece of shit when comparing himself to a victim of rape and alluding to rape in this way:

    “.@[redacted] I appreciate the kind words. I just want my reputation back. I’ve been raped by clique with a plan.”

    He has no goddamn idea of what rape is, and what it does to its victims, male and female. He should get that word out of his vocabulary and stop digging this crater any bigger.

    That he doesn’t understand that he’s making himself look worse, and not sympathetic, is mindboggling. It also explains a lot.

  45. Nadia Says:

    Jessica, you have guts. It took BIG courage to make that public apology, so here’s mine. I was an asshole to you, had i known you were actually in a relationship w that person, or in this much pain i would have not flamed and trolled you that hard. I am sorry. Forgive me. I don’t expect you to start liking me, or expect you to accept this apology… we both were shitty.. but i want to let you know you have my respect for doing the hardest thing in the world. Taking this out in the open and letting people see what this guy is – and its about] healing for you, but obviously you’ve also united and helped lots of women, and indeed for the progressive twitter community, such as it is.
    Thanks.

  46. Phil Perspective Says:

    Don’t have much to add, just to please protect yourself. Assholes with anger problems are dangerous people.

  47. Sarah Says:

    I think you should get Violet W’s IP address. These men are sickening. I can’t believe this man is more than 20 years my senior and he is doing this. He obviously has issues. (I know, I know, we all do! But HIS ISSUES result in harassment, threats and intimidation. ) But really, get a restraining order, get his IP address, and get him to shut the f- up about it on Twitter once you’re done . (You can get his IP address from ANY email that he sent you. ) I don’t know what state you live in, but where I am at, it’s a pretty quick process for at least the initial protective order. If he violates it (by contacting you through a third party, a sock puppet, etc) he will be placed under arrest. If he’s NOT harassing you, this shouldn’t MATTER to him that he cannot tweet to or about you.

  48. drydoc Says:

    I can’t believe he’s now telling you, via twitter, to call or Skype him to ‘end it.’

    Mentioning his mom is manipulative and desperate. (Is this the guilt part or the shame part?)

    I know it goes without saying, but don’t call, don’t Skype, don’t put yourself through more of this.

  49. Witchy Says:

    Jesus’ General should know know about virtual relationships given that he almost left his spouse, just as you did.

    Personally, if you left your spouse for this person, that says a lot about you.

  50. vdaze Says:

    I didn’t leave my spouse *for* this person. I left my spouse because I left my spouse.

  51. Denise A Romano Says:

    Just want to say to Violet W that workplaces in the US (not sure if Vdaze is in the US or not) DO have a legal responsibility to protect people from people who are abusing and threatening them. That is because abusers have often taken out their abuse on the targets of their abuse at workplaces and have often harmed others who were just innocent bystanders.

    Abuse is real, and it is extremely important for those who experience it to speak out – even in their workplaces for their own and others’ protection.

  52. rebeccay Says:

    So glad you realized what he has been doing to you and others. We shouldn’t hate him, I suppose, cuz he needs help badly. Glad you’re on the mend. I almost lost my soul to abuse …both physical and mental from an ex. My step dad & bio dad were pretty bad, too. But,, I’ve left it all behind …took my power back. And am not letting any of it cause me to hate. Hate only hurts onself. As someone said, hate is like holding a hot coal and hoping the other person gets burned. Good luck.

  53. crimson&clover Says:

    Vdaze- you’re amazing! You had balls to put a man on blast for his wrongdoings and I praise you for it! I wish more people were outed because of their actions and this guy is classic manipulative creep! I’ve dealt with his kind in the past and can totally relate. I was put through abuse and manipulation and can now recognize it and see it clearly. He knows how to turn the tables on you instead of manning up and taking responsibility for his actions. He victimizes himself and doesn’t think of you at all, as bad as it sounds he is only thinking of saving his own ass now and will do anything to gain sympathy.Thank you for letting women know about this guy! I wish more women got together and let others know which ones are bad apples. You are protecting not only yourself but others as well, just remember that! (Also I laughed at the “Nice sock puppet Violet, ya freak.” comment! ) Anyone can see it’s this guy who you are describing has come and posted under Violet to try & post anything against what you say to try & discredit or make you look bad. He really needs help.

  54. Every single has a flip side Says:

    [...] can read all of the backstory on the catalyst for this secondary drama here, here and here. At this point, ongoing conflicts have less to do with the original cast and more [...]

  55. Chris Says:

    Craaaazzzzzy! wow…. My deepest sympathy goes out to you in dealing with a psycho like this. :(

  56. A Small Glimpse of My Experience with Shoq | Who Is Shoq? Says:

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